Finally, a soccer ball is something useful

Why I fucking hate Lizards

People tear me a new one for a lot of things that I deserve but one thing that I do not get is why I am constantly getting shit for being afraid of lizards. These same fuckers who make fun of me for being scared shitless of lizards are the same people who run from garden snakes when they are in a cage.
I am not afraid to cop to my fear. In fact I was forced to face it at work on a field trip once. I was supervising 80 kids and a lizard was on the roof right above me. I immediately went to one of my co workers (a teacher) and said their is a lizard above us, I will be over there a mile away hiding, if you need me, you have my cell number, I will meet up with you guys when you tell me the lizard is gone or you move on to a new area. She was nice enough not to dye laughing. Here is a 20 year old 6 foot guy running from a lizard, 5 feet above his head, while she is getting a senior discount on all her meals.
You know what, I would do it again. I keep wondering about my lizard fear and I have come up with 2 rationalizations: 1. Snakes are fucking scary but lizards are mother fucking snakes evolved with legs.
and 2. Lizards are little dinosaurs.
Now most of you are thinking “oh little dinosaurs are cool”. Not me. If that mother fucking asteroid didn’t hit and kill all those mother fuckers, then the human race wouldn’t have survived. If you are not catching on, I am saying that if dinosaurs were still around today then we wouldn’t be, because they are bigger and would have eaten are sorry asses before we evolved. Evolution didn’t kill all the dinosaurs, it let just enough to remind us of our immortality by having lizards and alligators around.
I may be a vegetarian and all for animal rescue and all that fun jazz but when it comes to lizards, I turn into a bastard like Hitler. If I had my way, they would all be dead so they couldn’t evolve back to t-rex form and eat my great-great-great x 600 grandchild’s ass.

I guess Kate made all the money

http://www.tmz.com/2011/02/17/jon-gosselin-career-under-construction-jon-and-kate-plus-8-working-roofing/

peek a boo, kids really hate it

Have you ever played peek a book with your kid or a kid? If you are one of the few bozos who doesn’t know how to act around kids then you have my permission to bypass this article. If you have played peek a boo, don’t you feel like the biggest moron in the room? Like you are the one with the developing brain? Every time I play peek a boo with my nephews, I feel like the joke is on me. I stand there making an ass of myself for 5 minutes until they catch on and play the game with me. After playing it about 20 times, I am convinced that the kid thinks that he is the one that is in control and not you. Think about it. When you say peek a boo, for that split second, you wait for the kid to go apeshit when you say peek a boo. All the little fucker is doing is responding to you, so you don’t feel bad. If you have a bright kids on your hands which you probably do because everyone has the smartest kid on earth, then you will realize that he will play with you as long as he can tolerate your stupidity. When he gets bored of reacting to your stupid ass he will move on to something better like going into a corner to shit his pants. Kids are seriously the smartest creatures on earth. They have their own form of communication that doesn’t get them in trouble, they are surrounded by people who love them, and they get to shit in their pants. Infants are smart enough to realize that they have to give a little too like going ape shit when you play peek a boo. Now if you have a kid that is potty trained and actually likes playing peek a boo, you either need to pay attention to your kid or you have a dumb kid and should send him to the military now.

Ban Heaters in CA part 2

It finally hit me on what the perfect job for a man is: heater repair dude. We had one over today because guess what: the heater in my house broke. I swear that I did not do it despite my abomination for heaters. It is a mere coincidence that the heater in my house broke after wrote a blog spewing off about them. The only difference is that unlike everyone else in my house (females and babies), I was happy that the heater broke. Heck, I was ecstatic. All the winter clothes that I bought were not going to go to waste. I was prepared for the cold but no, my sister freaked out and said rain was coming so we had to call the heater guy. Argh! This is the same sister who jacks the heater up so it is a sauna in the house. I guess that is what I get for living with her.
So the heater guy comes and it was some bullshit fix. In fact, if I took a look at it, my retard ass probably would have been able to fix it. I refused to look at it because I was afraid of breaking it and because I didn’t care. When the guy was doing the twenty dollar fix, I asked him if every call he got was from girls. He yes, with the exception of guys that broke the heater so bad that they had to cave in and call him. There you go, girls and idiots. Same thing.

Selling my Youth in Revolt books

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120685722056&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT

Old ass cashiers: avoiding them will save you so much time

I am about to tell you something that will save you so much time at the store. When you are at the checkout: look to see how old the person is. If they are above 70, then go to the longer line because I promise you that they will take their sweet time. Their arthritic hands will barely be able to lift one item at a time, they will take their time to bag every little thing and be perfectionist about it. After this, they will ask you to help them lift an item that they can’t lift. Well newsflash, I have a bad back, call up the 15 year old zit faced bag boy to do it. It is in your job description to put it in my fucking cart if the bag boy isn’t there. Why should I be guilted into hurting my back when you putting in my cart is my only solace from having to lug that 50 pound back of cat food. Since I am the 25 year old guy, they make it sound like a big deal if I don’t do it and I am doing them a huge favor. But if I don’t do it, it then takes 5 more minutes for them to put it in the fucking cart, and if I am the person behind me, I am livid at this 25 year old guy not picking up the cat food. So not only am I offending my elder, I am also offending the asshole behind me who waited a half hour like me. Then when it comes time to type in your bananas, they take 5 minutes and have to take out their reading glasses to do it.
Stores shouldn’t hire these old fucks but face lawsuits for discriminating against them. Maybe I should sue a store for hiring these fucks and wasting my time. The only reason these old fucks are even forced to get jobs are because of the shitty economy and are forced to work at the very same store that raised the price of their groceries so their retirement check couldn’t cover it.
There is a job for these people, and it is not cashiers. It is called greeters. Have them sit on a chair and watch people instead of watching tv. It reteaches these old farts the social skills that they lack and doesn’t bug anyone.

All of you Lakers fans need to realize that you are the equivalent of Justin Bieber fans. Flat out young stupid and annoying.

Diet Cola: why is it the end of the world for drinking it?

The people that say Diet Coke is bad for you, need to shut the fuck up. Diet Coke is one of the only colas that has a taste that I don’t despise and now I get shit for drinking it. Drinking coke is like drinking syrup straight up, drinking sprite is like drinking cleaning products, nobody likes Dr. Pepper, and root beer has a syrup like consistency and quite frankly doesn’t do it to me unless their is ice cream with it. That leaves me with Diet Coke and lemonade when I want fast food. Lemonade sometimes has strawberries in it which I am allergic to, and quite frankly when their isn’t it is only good at In N Out and Hot Dog on a Stick.  So I order Diet Coke. Naturally my whole family has to say “no, its awful for you and includes the fake sugar products that give you cancer” and then proceed to order the 90lbs of sugar in coke for them and their kids.  Do I bitch at them when they have sugar free syrup (seriously what do you think its made of), or when they are so desperate for a sugar in their coffee that they use sweet n low, or even remind them that the only reason that I am even drinking diet coke is because they gave it me as a kid when I actually liked Coca Cola because it was the only thing that they drank. No, I keep it in just like I do when my sister who is a vegetarian eats fish (newsflash it is still killing an animal that feels pain) because I don’t want to start a fight. Well one of these days after keeping in all the bullshit that people tell me not to do and to do (like eat meat), I am just going to go crazy on all their asses. I drink diet coke because it is awesome. It soothes me. Sometimes after a hangover, all I crave are diet coke and saltines. I am one of those people who has a stomach that loves diet coke when it is at its weakest. When I feel like shit and want my fucking diet coke, I don’t want to be spit on because I keep diet coke in the fridge, no I want to be left alone.
So if you are one of those people that don’t drink diet coke, here is what I want you to do: leave us diet coke drinkers alone and shut your fucking mouth. It is our choice that we want to take the risk of dying because we are drinking diet coke, not yours. Heck in most cases, we are taking that risk because you drive us nuts. Go have fun with your coca cola, just don’t complain to me when your kids are on a big ass sugar rush from drinking it.

Fucking old drivers

A lot is said about whether old people should have their drivers licenses  revoked after a certain age. I really didn’t care one way or another until 15 minutes ago. What changed my mind 15 minutes ago? Well I almost lost my toe while walking on the sidewalk thanks to an old person behind the wheel.
I get out of the library and am ready to walk to my car. I see an old person turning into the parking lot. Not trusting her judgment, I decide to stay on the sidewalk until she passes. So I wait and sure enough, bitch drives on the curb nearly running over my foot. The whole reason why I stayed on the sidewalk in the first place was to be safe from this old hag running me over; so it is only natural that I almost get ran over on the sidewalk. Seriously fucking old people. We pay for their social security and retirement homes and they repay us by being racist, making us change their diapers, and killing us while driving.