People tear me a new one for a lot of things that I deserve but one thing that I do not get is why I am constantly getting shit for being afraid of lizards. These same fuckers who make fun of me for being scared shitless of lizards are the same people who run from garden snakes when they are in a cage.
I am not afraid to cop to my fear. In fact I was forced to face it at work on a field trip once. I was supervising 80 kids and a lizard was on the roof right above me. I immediately went to one of my co workers (a teacher) and said their is a lizard above us, I will be over there a mile away hiding, if you need me, you have my cell number, I will meet up with you guys when you tell me the lizard is gone or you move on to a new area. She was nice enough not to dye laughing. Here is a 20 year old 6 foot guy running from a lizard, 5 feet above his head, while she is getting a senior discount on all her meals.
You know what, I would do it again. I keep wondering about my lizard fear and I have come up with 2 rationalizations: 1. Snakes are fucking scary but lizards are mother fucking snakes evolved with legs.
and 2. Lizards are little dinosaurs.
Now most of you are thinking “oh little dinosaurs are cool”. Not me. If that mother fucking asteroid didn’t hit and kill all those mother fuckers, then the human race wouldn’t have survived. If you are not catching on, I am saying that if dinosaurs were still around today then we wouldn’t be, because they are bigger and would have eaten are sorry asses before we evolved. Evolution didn’t kill all the dinosaurs, it let just enough to remind us of our immortality by having lizards and alligators around.
I may be a vegetarian and all for animal rescue and all that fun jazz but when it comes to lizards, I turn into a bastard like Hitler. If I had my way, they would all be dead so they couldn’t evolve back to t-rex form and eat my great-great-great x 600 grandchild’s ass.
It finally hit me on what the perfect job for a man is: heater repair dude. We had one over today because guess what: the heater in my house broke. I swear that I did not do it despite my abomination for heaters. It is a mere coincidence that the heater in my house broke after wrote a blog spewing off about them. The only difference is that unlike everyone else in my house (females and babies), I was happy that the heater broke. Heck, I was ecstatic. All the winter clothes that I bought were not going to go to waste. I was prepared for the cold but no, my sister freaked out and said rain was coming so we had to call the heater guy. Argh! This is the same sister who jacks the heater up so it is a sauna in the house. I guess that is what I get for living with her.
So the heater guy comes and it was some bullshit fix. In fact, if I took a look at it, my retard ass probably would have been able to fix it. I refused to look at it because I was afraid of breaking it and because I didn’t care. When the guy was doing the twenty dollar fix, I asked him if every call he got was from girls. He yes, with the exception of guys that broke the heater so bad that they had to cave in and call him. There you go, girls and idiots. Same thing.
All of you Lakers fans need to realize that you are the equivalent of Justin Bieber fans. Flat out young stupid and annoying.
I am so happy to hear someone say it. Michael Vick is an animal and didn’t deserve any success he had. To hear Mark Buehrle hope that Vick got injured is great. Vick killed a bunch of dogs. I am so surprised that PETA isn’t still on his ass. If Vick was smart, he would have incentives in his contract that goes towards no kill shelters.